The Drucker Brothers Choose You, Raichu!

New Rejected Onion Headlines

2010-01-25T12:28:00.000-08:00

Here are some more of my favorite rejected Onion headlines over the last few months:

No Way Area Kobold Has +6 To Hit

Radical Cleric Found Skateboarding

Forum Only Knows How To Get A Wine Bottle Into A Vagina

Privileged White Woman Deserves To Treat Herself Once In A While

Child Actor Willing To Do Nude

Area Boy Can't Wait To Learn What D-I-V-O-R-C-E Spells

That Reminds Friend Of Totally Unrelated Thing She Was Waiting To Bring Up

Bully Making Some Legitimate Points

Pallbearer Just Got His Exercise For The Week

Fan-Fiction As Terrible As Source Material

Of Course Boyfriend Doesn’t Mind Spending Rest Of Day Smelling Like Strawberries

Woman In Mall On A Wednesday Afternoon Has Better Things To Do Than To Wait To Be Helped By Lane Bryant Cashier

Opinion: I Don’t Agree With What You Say, But I’ll Put Up A Half-Hearted Defense Of Your Right To Say It

Opinion: Son, All I Want To Know Is That You Tried Your Hardest To Live Up To My Impossible Expectations

Police At Tuskegee University Graduation Nervous As Students Hold Up Diplomas

Dramatist Father Giving Children, Audience Something To Cry About

Personalized Mix CD Essentially Just “Now That’s What I Call Music Vol. 32” In Different Order

E-Readers Changing The Way We Avoid Reading

Google Ads Knows About Break-Up Before Boyfriend

Swear Jar Exchanged For More Whiskey

Man With No Money Or Business Plan Needs Bloggers

Erotic Story Class Told To Write What They Wish They Knew

Fifth Commandment Broken To Keep Ninth Commandment

Fixing "After Eden"

2009-12-18T14:46:00.000-08:00

After Eden is my favorite comic strip. In an attempt to tell it like it is, artist Dan Lietha has created a terrifying world of sin and punishment based on cute observations.

I've been trying to improve on them ever since.

Original:

Fixed:

Response To Christopher Columbus

2009-12-15T14:49:00.000-08:00

I recently found a book called "The Daily Spark: U.S. History," which asks students to answer questions about history. Finding it for a dollar, I thought I'd work on answering some questions in the book.

1. “Discovering America”

Christopher Columbus is often credited with “discovering” America, although the land he discovered was already inhabited. Imagine that you are one of the Native Americans who was living in North America when Columbus arrived. You later learn that he has taken credit for the “discovery” of your home. Write a response to his claim.

Dear Christopher Columbus,

Remember when you arrived on our land said, “India?” And we said “No?” And you said, slower, “India?” And we said, “We don’t know what an India is? Are you asking for food?” And you said, “Are you Indians?” And we said, “Oh boy. No is our answer?”

And you said, “If this is India then where is the silk?” And we said, “You’ve said two things now that we don’t understand or possess?” And you said, “Where did you get your gold jewelry?” And we said, “Oh. From the Lokono? They trade for stuff?” And you said, “Where in India are they?” And we said, “Is India a swear word?” And you said, “Show us to these other Indians?” And we said, “So it is a swear word?”

And you found them, and you said to them, “Where in India are we?” And they said, “What’s India?” And we said, “Don’t even try to figure it out? They use it for everything?” And you were like, “Give me your gold?” And they were like, “Rude?” And you were like, “We’ll kill everyone?” And they were like, “Whoa, okay, here is gold?” And you were like, “Gold!” And they were like, “Yeah, that’s what we gave you?” And you were like, “Gold!” And we were like, “Okay? We get it? Gold?” And you were like, “Our Queen owns you now?” And we were like, “Slow down? Are Queens Gods?” And you said, “No, there is one God?” And we said, “But that’s your Queen, right?” And you killed the one of us who said that? And you were like, “No more blasphemy?” And we were like, “Definitions of words help us to not do the things you don’t want?”

And you were like, “We will return?” And we were like, “It’s okay if you can’t because you have killed one of us and your horses are terrifying?” And you disappeared into the blue land? And you returned with more people? And those people started building homes? And they were like, “Move off our land?” And we were like, “What? Are you telling a Spanish joke because we do not understand your verbs and nouns so we feel rude for not laughing and also this is our land?”

And those people said, “Columbus discovered this land?” And we said, “More Spanish jokes? You must have a large portion of leisure time to have so many humorous sentences.” And those people killed the man who said that last part because they said we shouldn’t act up? And we said, “Wow? ‘Act up’? Wow?” And those people said, “Columbus discovered this land and its ours” And we said nothing?

We said nothing because we were angry, so that’s why we were rude and now you know our reason so you don't think we're stuck up or something.

Regards,

The Lucayan

New Onion Stories

2009-12-03T16:57:00.000-08:00

I've got some new Onion stories up.

New Device Desirable, Old Device Undesirable

Shared Memory Of Children's Television Show Leads To Sex

Fake Magazines On GameSpy

2009-11-23T17:05:00.001-08:00

I'm back in GameSpy this week with some fake magazine covers for a non-existent past. How are you?

Short Interview Question

2009-11-16T12:39:00.000-08:00

Writer Emily Gordon, who is an expert, asked me a question on her blog. "What would my doll look like and what would he say?"

Here's my answer.

New GameSpy Bit: Top 10 Worst Video Game Novelizations

2009-11-12T18:09:00.000-08:00

I wrote another article for GameSpy out of sheer avarice. It's about the worst video game novelizations in the history of all forever time.

The Best Jokes That Weren't

2009-11-11T12:26:00.000-08:00

Here are some recent rejected bits:

The Onion:

Uncle Refusing To Give Back Nose

Magic Was In Glove, Not Area Boy All Along

FDA Approves Of Son

Useless Executive Given Pointless Award

Area Woman “So Blessed” To Have Thrown Away Dreams For Baby

I’m Always Getting Asked Where I Get My Inspiration For My Drawings Of Popular Cartoon Characters Having Sex

The Hardest Part Of Leaving You In The Morning Is Finding My Keys

Psychology Death Panel Choosing Who Dies On The Inside

Book Report Written On Strategy Guide

Crying In A Fetal Ball While Showering: Can It Work For You?

Self-Doubt Wins Out Over Self-Hate

Topical:

Bill Clinton this past weekend traveled to Kosovo to attend the unveiling of an 11-foot statue of himself on a street that bears his name. Fun fact about the statue: you can tell exactly what time it is by the shadow cast by its boner.

According to a study female fiddler crabs have sex with their male neighbors in exchange for protection against wandering male intruders. Oh my God! Female fiddler crabs are soooooo Samantha!

Tomorrow is Election Day, so be sure to casually check the news to see who’s running your state now.

Friday at 11am - the Yankees will be part of a ticker-tape victory parade. Oh, man: the music, the big crowds, the excitement – Hideki Matsui is going to be terrified.

Mayor Bloomberg is going to give the Yankees keys to the city. The last time the Yankees got that many keys is when Darryl Strawberry was on the team.

Jeremy Piven said in a recent interview he drank so much soy milk that he got “man boobs.” On the plus side, that’s the closest he’s ever come to growing a pair.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt – from MTV’s “The Hills” – will release a 134-page book later this month called “How to Be Famous.” Here’s how they wrote it: they typed the words, “Be famous,” set it to font size a million aaaaaaand done.

Michael Bloomberg is up for re-election tomorrow. While he remains popular, he is facing some tough competition from what’s-his-face and that other guy.

The Jonas Brothers wrote an open letter to their fans this week to clear the air that they are not breaking up. They’re just seeing other people.

New Onion Bits

2009-11-11T12:24:00.000-08:00

Recently, The Onion asked me to write an economic bit. It was printed in last week's paper. If you missed it, here it is:

"JCP - JCPenney - 1.04 33.70 (up 3.20%). As the hour of the wolf approaches and the fallow land begets stillborn crops, the slaving caste finds comfort only in great deals on Arizona jeans."

That's the closest I've ever come to attempting to understand the stock market, and it's still Lovecraftian.

GameSpy Article On Henchmen

2009-09-30T12:00:00.000-07:00

Want to see what I get paid to write day by day, night by night, rocking the boat while I'm floating on the cool whispers of oblivion?

Articles such as these!

Click on it, goddamn it!

The Best Jokes That Sucked

2009-09-29T12:33:00.001-07:00

Hey. It's Monday, and I'm trying something new. As a contributor for a lot of places, I have a lot of jokes / headlines that make it into the show / website and a lot that don't. Most for very good reasons. Regardless, here are the bits that I liked that just didn't have it in them.

Onion Headlines

Father-In-Law Quizzing You About Man Stuff

Report: A Good Nap Is Just The Best, Isn’t It?

Grieving Mother Given Number Of Great Taxidermist

New Virtual Reality Therapy Helping Patients Get Over Poorly Animated
Versions Of Their Fears

Celebrities’ Assistants: They’re Just Like Us

Grandpa Gary, Grandpa Sal Big Winners At Simon’s World’s Greatest Grandpa Awards

Passive-Aggressive Priest Leaves List Of Rules Outside Church

World’s Youngest Person Dies At 0

Custody Battle Hinging On Which Parent Lives Closer To GameStop

Anger Management Trick Used During Wait For Burrito

Promise Of Future Diet Only Way To Finish Whole Cake

NASA Sends A Poet

British Accent Adding Credibility To Bullshit

Fallon / SNL Jokes

In Sweden, a malfunctioning robot attacked a factory worker. ...And so it begins.

Friends of Jessica Simpson told People magazine that the singer has been extremely depressed since her dog was snatched by a coyote last week. Awww… Cheer up, Jessica! Your dog may not be with you, but that’s because he’s on a new adventure: the digestive system.

Last week, the Ukrainian government denied Elton John’s request to adopt a 14-month-old child from the country because the singer is too old and not married. Yeah, they’re probably right. It would be far too hard on a child to be raised in the household of a multimillionaire internationally beloved superstar. Better keep him in the country whose main export is sorrow.

New York’s highest court on Tuesday has approved David Paterson’s appointment of former MTA head Richard Ravitch as lieutenant governor. Now, I know no one likes Hitler, but that doesn’t mean we should hire politicians who can’t make the trains run on time.

Today, here in our studio 6-B, in 1948 - Milton Berle, started hosting the Texaco Star Theater - the first big hit in the history of television. To celebrate that anniversary, I’d like to do the first monologue joke he ever did. Ah-hem. “You know what the difference between a Commie and a Korean is?” You know what, forget it, that was a bad idea.

Happy Birthday to Stephen King, who turned 62 today! It was pretty good, but I really like his early birthdays more.

The New York Jets beat the New England Patriots for the first time at home. In those situations it can be kind of hard – I’m from New England, but I live in New York. I’m just lucky I don’t understand man stuff.

Universal in Orlando will open a new, Harry Potter theme park in the spring of 2010. Apparently they’re staying so close to the books that all the janitorial staff will be Hufflepuffs.

A new analysis of 20 different studies concludes that tanning beds are as deadly as arsenic and mustard gas – using them before the age of 30 increases the risk of skin cancer by 75%. So the next few years should be pretty interesting for New Jersey.

Comedy Dungeons & Dragons: Week 2

2009-09-09T12:29:00.000-07:00

The second week of Comedy Dungeons & Dragons featured a new player: Comedy Expert, But Not Comedian Brian Baldinger, who played a much needed Paladin. Remember that comedy joke I used to do about not being a paladin? Well, Brian became a knight who loves healing.

Before the game, Nate showed me his fantasy rock playlist. It featured an album called "King Of The Nordic Twilight." Or, as Nate called it, "Dungeons & Dragons: The Band."

To save you from the boredom of the whole half hour spent waiting for the game to start, let's cut to the fucking chase.

Mike Lawrence's dwarf had to carry an injured Wizard Cope on his back. Meanwhile, Goblins were chasing us up a spiral staircase while we all jumped for a rope that would lead us to the roof.

Did we make it?

YES! WE DID! AND THEN WE GOT INTO A FIGHT IN A HUGE ROOM WITH A HAIRY GOBLIN THAT WAS SCARY! WAS THAT A BOSS FIGHT?

Oh my Gods! It wasn't! This was the boss battle! A goblin mother queen bitch holding a little girl hostage.

When we tried to negotiate with her, she slit the girls' throat. I dived into the way and used healing magic to save her. Pretty manly!

For all my heroism, skeletons murdered me to death.

But after getting revived by Baldinger we killed the Queen! Look at her dead, bleeding corpse, lying in the dirt of that filthy dungeon. JUST LOOK AT IT! DON'T FUCKING LOOK AWAY! YOU THINK THIS IS A FUCKING GAME?!

And then we all leveled up and got to pick new powers! Yay!

New GameSpy Article

2009-09-01T13:54:00.001-07:00

Nerds, that feisty bunch, have already hated the shit out of my new GameSpy article.

While you can read the article here, I'd like to point your focus on the actual comments.

My favorite:

"First Protoss reference was so out of place and funny, because they've gotta be the noblest, most admirable videogame aliens ever made."

This is my audience apparently.

Comedians of Dungeons & Dragons

2009-08-31T13:22:00.000-07:00

Rather than play poker or some sort of macrogolf, a bunch of comedians including myself, Jared Logan, Mike Lawrence, David Cope, and Team Submarine decided to start up a Comedy Dungeons & Dragons game.

Yesterday was the first day of the game and, like the games played by normal people, a lot of fun.

Mike Lawrence was our Dwarf Warrior.

David Cope was our Human (only human in our team) Wizard.

Steve O'Brien is our Halfling Thief.

Nate Fernald is our Elf Warrior.

And I'm a Half-Elf Cleric.

Jared, as our DM, did a great job starting off the story. Right now, a little girl has been kidnapped by some goblins and we've infiltrated an old guards' tower they seem to inhabit. While we were almost eaten alive by bats and rats, the creepiest part was a weird enchanted statue made of meat that screamed at Steve when he stole her magic whistle and eyes.

At the end of the game, we fell down the tower (because we can't fucking make athletics checks for our lives - that's right, we're bad at athletics in Dungeons & Dragons) and essentially fucked ourselves up. Now surrounded by goblins and near death, we're in a almost definitely fucked position.

Please join me on a brief journey of pictures you've probably already seen on my Twitter.

Team Submarine awaits our wizard and our dwarf warrior.

TV's Comedy Central's Live @ Gotham's Jared Logan's Mom's Jared Logan is our Dungeon Master. Here's him prepping the game.

We ordered pizzas for the Dungeons & Dragons game and had only one place to put them.

"Do I know the armor class of the goblin?"

This is us after we've fucking pulverized some goblins. I'm at the front. Yeah, I heal. But I also do other stuff like Eldritch Blast some fuckers.

David Cope sprayed himself in the face with acid after a critical miss.

Will Steve O'Brien live or die? JUST KIDDING, IT'S JUST A GAME!

Clean up time. Those are Nate's Mountain Dew cans alone.

Civility Ruined

2009-08-24T11:08:00.000-07:00

I've been thanked by nerd strangers for this article I wrote for GameSpy.

Click here on that photo to enter!

Getting Fat

2009-07-17T15:36:00.000-07:00

Guys, here's a serious problem that needs a lot of talking about. I'm getting fatter. I've tried not to, but all the stress you put me under is making me eat like crazy. Just eat and eat and eat. And I don't want to stop because stopping lets me think about stuff like Darfur and Taylor Hicks not having a bigger career because he was really great, guys.

Look at me before:

Happy as a clam with my sweater.

Look at me now:

I need to stop eating like that. I want my photo on that wall, but I don't need my photo on that wall.

Guys, this is serious and you're not taking it seriously!

NIKOLA TESLA BUILT THIS REACTOR! ON LONG ISLAND! WITH A BOX OF SCRAPS!

2009-07-17T10:34:00.000-07:00

I'm taking a shower! Where am I taking it? Oh, you! To Cleansville, I say. Cleansville, Indiana. Population: my genitals. Who's the mayor and chief of police? Oh, you know. You do.

(gunshot)

Warm Up

2009-07-08T09:15:00.000-07:00

"Do not go into the spoon. Stop where you are. Turn away from it. Don't even look at it."
-Poltergeist

Listen. I know on the door it says I sell cutlery - and I do. It's a job I love. I can go home at night and kiss my children and know they're not embarassed of their old man. I sell cutlery. So you might think that I'm trying to push the expensive things on you because I get some big old commission. Well, sure. That's true. If you buy the Windsor set, I get a nice chunk of change. I'm not here to lie to you about that. Lying is bad for business as disposable plastic knives. Oh, boy. Plastic. Plastic put my grandfather in an early grave. He sold cutlery, too. That's his name on the door. It's also my name, but it was his name first. Between us it was my father's name. So when you tell me that you think I'm pulling your leg on a set of Windsors - well, it hits me in my gullet. Right here. Feel it. You can feel it sort of rocky and firm. That's psychosomatic. It's caused by distress. I feel distress at your cutlery decisions. I feel distress at my wife blowing the head of a plastic cutlery corporation after meeting at the Belgian Cutlery Conference when you think you can trust the one woman in your life to go to the BCC without sucking every dick that happens to be riding the wave of the future without any family connections holding you down from being a photographer like you wanted but your Dad didn't. That's what makes my gullet hard. Right here. Stop feeling it. So let's - no pun intended - cut to the chase. You want the Windsor set. No. You do. You do. You do. You do. You're stealing food from the mouths of my children. You are. You are. You are. Fucking fine. Whatever. I hope when you're forced to chop off your own dick in hell, they give you a plastic knife so it's impossible to cut and you just need to saw it and saw it instead of a smooth dick cut like you can find with the Windsor set. Because that's where you're going and that's where that slut Emma is headed if God is just, which I'm not sure he is. Sorry: Emma was my wife. I forgot to mention her name.

Ron Artest Says What I Feel

2009-07-08T07:34:00.000-07:00

Michael Michael is a song that should win the Grammy Award for best Grammy Award-winning song.

Computers Failing In Public Places

2009-07-08T06:45:00.000-07:00

From the Science Museum in London.

The screen is supposed to show a genetic code sequence.

Instead it shows that they're still rocking '92 Macintoshes.

If I had a better camera on my phone, you could see that.

How To Date Women

2009-06-15T16:33:00.001-07:00

Something you should do on a date is eat all the breadsticks. Then when the soup comes, you have her at a disadvantage.

Back On Track

2009-06-13T07:45:00.000-07:00

I'm back on track with writing and getting things together.

The problem with packets and pieces and bits and whatnot is that you can't post them on a blog until HOLLYWOOD says no. I made that big because it seemed a thing to do.

Did a show last night with old Timmy Williams, who's a swell guy.

Here's one of his big, special TV sketches (thanks Jon).

Moved In, But Sick

2009-06-08T21:05:00.000-07:00

I'm moved in. Right now I'm stealing Wifi from the bar next to my apartment. Also, I have a bar next to my apartment. I had big plans to put up some pictures of the new place and make jokes like "Kitchen? More like Bitchen!" because I like it so much. But I've fallen ill to the cold sickness which goes around I'm told.

Here's something even better:

A PLAGUE, GUYS!

2009-06-06T10:30:00.001-07:00

From Reddit:

Possible things in my house that fulfill the above criteria stated in the video:

My parents.
An actual bomb.

Movind Day Part 1

2009-06-06T09:55:00.000-07:00

The process has begun. I'm moving from one point in Queens to another, more spacious point in Queens. The hope is that with more space I'll be happier.

That is a dark, devilish lie.

Let's see how this adventure turns out!

Deanna Troi Is Useless

2009-06-04T15:05:00.000-07:00

I've been watching Star Trek: The Next Generation while I'm packing my apartment.

And I realized, for the first time, I hate Deanna Troi.

Not only is she useless - "I sense the crew is scared" - she's an asshole.

My First Joke On Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

2009-06-03T15:03:00.000-07:00

Last week I started freelancing jokes for Late Night With Jimmy Fallon.

Yesterday I got my first joke to air.

It's the one about Iranian officials coming to an American BBQ.

It was also picked up by The New York Times.

More Recent Onion Stuff

2009-06-03T10:01:00.000-07:00

I realize I haven't updated much recently.

Recently I've had a quite a few Onion bits that I've liked.

Here's my two favorite:

There's Nothing To Fear Itself And Also Me, The Ghost Of Franklin Delano Roosevelt

and

Shadow Government Getting Too Large To Meet In Marriott Conference Room B

Good Reviews For Web Series I'm In

2009-06-03T09:59:00.000-07:00

CNN reviewed a webseries I was in.

They said my episode was the best. I'm guessing because I wrote most of the jokes about "Magic: The Gathering" since no one else actually knew how to play the game.

Sean and Jilly Move In - 5 from Sean and Jilly on Vimeo.

My Favorite Rejected Onion Headlines

2009-06-03T09:36:00.000-07:00

I work as a contributing writer for "The Onion." That means I write about 15-25 headlines every week, with a large portion of them getting rejected. For good reason. The people in the office are great people.

But sometimes there are headlines that I love that don't make it. Either because there's already been a similar topic explored, the time isn't right, or I'm the only one who finds them funny.

Here are those:

New HD-Camcorder To Make Memories Of Good Times Hurt Even More

Recession Forcing CIA To Lay Off 60% Of Al Qaeda

Ending Changed For Christian High School Production Of “The Laramie Project”

Rebel Who Doesn’t Play By Society’s Rules Needs You To Work On Saturday

Area Man Can’t Tell If British Woman Sarcastic Or Aroused

Study: 73% Of Scientists To Make Them All Pay

Grammar Nazi Was Just Following Strunk & White’s Orders

Programmer Couple Speaking Python Around Child

Cult Members Forced To Switch To Verizon To Save Leader’s Minutes

Girl Fight Less Sexy Than Expected

Gender Inequality Solved In Five-Page, Double-Spaced Undergrad Paper

Childhood Memories Worth $10 Trade-In At GameStop

New Telescope To Help Scientists Create Better Desktop Wallpapers

Renowned Australian Wildlife Expert, Robert Muldoon, Killed By Velociraptors

History Textbook Ends On Vietnam War Cliffhanger

Uncaring Slacker Forced To Read "The Catcher In The Rye"

Bar's Hand Stamp Clearly Bought At Teacher Store

Suit And Tie-Wearing Men In Parked Car Just Enjoying Some Radio

Fat Kid Announces Plan To Be Goalie

Artist Only Making Art For Corporation Until Anti-Corporation Art Takes Off

“I Got You Babe” Cell Phone Ring Repeating As Area Man Ignores Call From Wife

Daughter Of Slain Parents No Longer Grounded

Obama Fails To Enjoy Visit To Colonial Williamsburg

Slaves Not Even Trying Anymore

Area Woman Always Does That Thing Boyfriend Just Thought Of To Break Up With Her

Underground Alcohol Fire Decimates Margaritaville

Method Porn Star Enrolls In College Class With Unaffordable Textbooks

Double Dog Dare You!

2009-05-30T12:19:00.000-07:00

This had me barking with laughter. Watch this and you'll have a doggone good time. I even got a boner!

Romance, American Style

2009-05-29T08:06:00.000-07:00

This is exactly how I talk to every woman who is ever my secretary because they're not going to be my boss, oh no, not in this lifetime not in this day and age not in this cabinet on the wall where I store peanut butter or is it this cabinet because sometimes I put it in the other one depending on how much Ramen I have left.

Obama Does Comedy Pretty Well

2009-05-10T09:50:00.000-07:00

The White House Correspondent's dinner is known for its comedy performances, both by comedians and the President himself. But Obama's so charming a person - despite his flaws - that his end speech is hilarious. The jokes are good - if, you know, light and corny as they should be - and his delivery is great.

Even the gag with the teleprompter was great, something I could actually see someone parodying of Obama do.

What it must be to write comedy for The President. Regardless of his standing, or party, writing jokes for the most powerful man in the United States must be quite an odd experience.

Furthermore, some of his jokes could be insinuations of policy approvals. He makes a pretty positive joke involving gay marriage which could indicate his stance of approval. And his addressing of different issues, through jokes, means that he's at least aware of the criticisms being leveled against him by the citizenry. I wanted to use the word "citizenry" and there it is.

Definitely worth watching:

New Onion Bit

2009-04-25T21:16:00.000-07:00

American University & Bard College were both great shows. It's fun to get out of the city and do longer sets now and again. It's amazing how much better I feel doing a longer set, compared to competing with eight comics for a reluctant audience's attention in the city.

A very fun time and great audiences all around.

Anyway, here's my newest Onion bit for their Obama's First Hundred Days section, day 95.

I'm fearing the end of the First 100 Days bit, as I've done pretty well by it and had a great time writing jokes for it.

Either way, I love you.

My Joke In Entertainment Weekly

2009-04-24T08:51:00.000-07:00

I write jokes for Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update segment.

Sometimes Entertainment Weekly picks up jokes from the show.

Finally that Venn Diagram hit, and one of my jokes was picked up by the illustrious magazine.

It's the last joke on the page.

Bard College and The Tivoli Bay Rapist

2009-04-23T08:54:00.000-07:00

I saw Dave Chappelle live once. And he said that there was something called "cosmic comedy," when a comedian does something more hilarious than what's actually happening on stage. Whether through accident or on purpose, it's the creation of a moment that transcends the stand-up comedy joke and becomes an event.

Mark Normand didn't want that to happen last night. But it was so good.

Let me back up. Mark Normand and I played Bard College last night. And it was fantastic.

It was one of those shows where you walk out of the room with a big check and you go, "Did they just pay me to goof off for half an hour? Jeez." And you hope no one's catching up with you.

Bard College also has the advantage of having the most beautiful and most nerdy college girls I've ever met. Yowza. When comely young ladies applaud your joke about Paladins and Imperialism, you swoon. You do. You swoon.

And then there was the story of the Tivoli Bay Rapist.

Apparently, ten years ago, someone raped someone in the neighboring town of Tivoli. The rapist was never caught, but students at Bard are warned every year that a heavy-set man with a goatee (the police sketch indicates) once raped somebody and was never caught.

We were told this on the drive up because it's a long drive and Mark asked "How's crime here?"

Anyway.

As Mark and I waited for the show to start, we saw a heavy-set man with a goatee. We thought he was a student because he was wearing big headphones and carrying around a laptop. It turns out he was the janitor - he rests his laptop on the trash cart and surfs the Internet as he cleans.

Clearly the Tivoli Bay Rapist, said Mark.

I agreed and laughed heartily.

So we kept joking about it. But here's the thing: the dude kept following us around the school. Before the show, we were standing in the lobby of the building and the guy was staring at us through the glass window. I mean motherfucking staring. Death eyes.

He knew we knew. The outsiders had solved the case that Cliff and the campus police couldn't.

We kept averting our eyes so we wouldn't have to face him down.

As the show started, I told Mark I was jealous he was going first because he could bring up the Tivoli Bay Rapist and janitor thing before I could.

So the show starts. The two guys open and really warm up the crowd - everyone's having a great time. Mark gets brought on stage to a huge applause. Everyone loves a handsome man.

But as he gets on stage, I see the janitor walk into the wings of the stage and begin watching Mark's set. Just staring at Mark.

And Mark goes into his Tivoli Bay Rapist bit, about how it's the janitor. Has anyone seen that dude? He looks just like the sketch of the Tivoli Bay Rapist.

The crowd goes silent. Because they've seen him standing in the wings staring at Mark.

Now, I can't contain myself. I'm giggling and giddy and jumping up and down. This is a Christmas morning miracle for me.

And Mark's face undergoes this transformation as he realizes he's being watched by the janitor he's calling the school's most feared rapist:

It was so good! Oh God.

The audience went nuts. I went nuts.

The janitor gave a creepy laugh and left.

Mark reacted like a king and had an awesome set.

When I got up, I spent my first two minutes of my half-hour or so just talking about how delighted I was to see that happen. I couldn't stop smiling. Mark's a great friend of mine, so I know it's something I'll bring up for years to come.

It's special. It's cosmic comedy.

What In The Hell...

2009-04-18T07:53:00.000-07:00

My First Onion Radio News Bit

2009-04-16T10:26:00.000-07:00

I got my first Onion Radio News bit.

Enjoy!

Comedy Drink Tokens - Union Hall

2009-04-16T08:25:00.000-07:00

Since I don't really drink too often, I've decided I'm going to start collecting the drink tokens I get at shows as a nice souvenir from my comedy experiences. Firefox said that I spelled "souvenir" right, so let's move on.

Union Hall is an attractive performance space in Brooklyn with its own Bocce courts. Bocce is a game that's not a language that Uncle Owen asks C-3PO if he can speak while the Jawa's are selling him, but yes it is because I remember Star Wars pretty well.

The Union Hall drink token is really neat - old fashioned wood. The front side reads "Union Hall" in nice little script:

"One Drink" on the back:

I know my photography is pretty bad, making the script incoherent. I'll figure this out as I go along. I promise.

I always feel guilty pocketing wood tokens. Paper ones usually come off a roll you can buy at any dollar store, but Union Hall clearly paid a company to produce a set of nice, light tokens.

Mine now.

Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me About This?

2009-04-13T21:21:00.001-07:00

You know I'm white because I'm amused by novelty songs:

Also, because I'm very, very white.

You can download the .mp3s here.

I Wrote For SNL Again / Kumail & Emily's Cat

2009-04-13T21:16:00.001-07:00

I wrote another joke for SNL that went to Air. Yay! I just made $100! I'm gonna buy me some glue and wallpaper.

I also almost got Kumail & Emily's cat, Bagel, onto SNL. My powers on the show only go so far.

What I've Been Doing

2009-04-11T15:48:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated in a while because I've been busy and lazy and busy.

Here's a recap of what I've been doing since I've not updated in a long, long time.

Saturday Night Live

I wrote my first joke to make it on the show. It got an applause break. These things happen, although I never expect them to.

I also appeared on the show in a live sketch that's still not on Hulu.

Here's a screen capture from the show:

Onion Articles

I've had a lot of ideas in, so here are some of the better ones.

Lovecraftian School Board Member Wants Madness Added To Curriculum

CIA Awkwardly Debriefs Obama On Creation Of AIDs Virus

And various contributions to this.

Stand-Up

Matt Ruby said some very nice things about me.

Cheer Me Up

2009-04-01T12:05:00.000-07:00

I don't like making fun of bad movies too much because it's usually a smidgen too easy.

This is even easier than that so I'll let it speak for itself:

Sorry - Will Update Soon

2009-03-13T19:47:00.001-07:00

Been a really busy month, and I'm trying to catch up with myself.

I promise I'll post updates and fix the broken sections soon.

My Appearance On David Angelo Radio

2009-02-24T08:45:00.000-08:00

David Angelo's podcast is super effective. Here's my appearance on it from two weeks back.

Unlike most podcasts, he splits the whole kabbam into a few segments which really helps the flow of the show. It's hard to get bored when he's got a list of ideas to keep the show moving along.

I'm also quite popular on his forums.

A DC Universe Knock-Knock Joke

2009-02-24T08:25:00.001-08:00

Knock Knock

Who's There?

Martian Manhunter?

Martian Manhunter Who?

The last of my kind...

Why don't you just phase through the door or something?

I guess I could but that's rude.

What do you know about rude? You know nothing of human emotions.

I wish I had died with my people.

Nah, I'm just joshing, buddy, c'mon in!

Red Tornado, you son of a bitch!

The Best Sports Announcer Ever

2009-02-20T21:44:00.001-08:00

There's always a tinge of jealousy when someone's so much funnier than me. As Florida Panthers announcer Randy Moller is sort of not really but actually yes maybe.

Here are his actual goal announcements:

Shows This Week

2009-02-15T11:28:00.001-08:00

I'm off SNL this week and trying to catch up on stand-up. Here are some of the quality wizz-pow! shows I'm doing this week:

Sunday:

Hosting 5 For 5 on the Comix Mainstage, with Joe DeRosa, Matt McCarthy, and more @ 7:30

Monday:

Comedy Dungeon @ Jazz On The Park @ 8:00 p.m.
Eastville Comedy Club @ 9:00 p.m.

Tuesday:

Writers Room @ The PIT @ 9:30 p.m. with Sean Patton, Jackie Novak, and more.

Wednesday:

Sideshow Goshko @ Comix @ 7:30 p.m.
Bowery Electric @ 8:00 p.m.
Hold For Laughs @ Safe Theater @ 10:00 p.m.

Thursday:

Comedy As A Second Language @ Kabin @ 9:00 p.m.

Friday:

Montreal Comedy Festival Callback Audition @ Stand-Up New York @ 8:00 p.m.

Saturday:

DERRICK COMEDY: This Is New York @ The Creek @ 8:00 p.m.

Buy Retro Game Challenge

2009-02-14T08:21:00.000-08:00

Retro Game Challenge is good. That's the short side of it.

Here's the longer side.

There's a Twilight Zone episode called Walking Distance. It's about a guy who gets to travel back to his past and marvel at his youth from old eyes. Unlike most time travel stories, there's no major event in his life the man wants to change - no siblings lost in Vietnam, no Hitler to kill. Rather, he just wants to shout to himself to enjoy childhood and to have fun.

That's Retro Game Challenge.

It's a tribute to your childhood. The inclusion of magazines and manuals with their misspellings and over dramatic too-cool-for-school language really emphasizes a time when video games were taken serious only by gamers. Maybe it wasn't a better time, but it was a different time. And you get to re-experience it in a way that feels surprisingly honest without the brashness of most compilations.

Watching two kids cheer each other on as they play these games is half the delight. It feels like you're watching yourself have unadulterated fun, when even a crappy new game was still a new game. Before expendable income made every penny squeezed for maximum playability.

The games themselves - which are original tributes to classic games rather than anything you may remember - are wonderfully fun, if often too short. Still, they keep your attention just long enough to appreciate a certain facet or long-dead gameplay element from the past. And playing Guadia Quest, a fully-fledged 8-bit RPG that's longer than many new games, is simply amazing.

I'm done describing this game. I want to be a kid again.

Recent Bits In The Onion

2009-02-13T16:11:00.000-08:00

It's been a very, very, very long day.

But here are some updates.

First of all, I've been contributing to the Obama's First 100 Days list at The Onion, including numbers 22 and 18.

I also wrote a headline that's been appearing at the top of The Onion page, "Joe Biden Googles 'Open Mic Night AND Washington D.C.'"

You can also get the podcast I did with super talented David Angelo here.

More soon.

David Angel Radio Tonight @ 8

2009-02-10T11:38:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite joke writers in New York City, David Angelo, has invited me to do his internet radio show tonight at 8 p.m.

He's brilliant, and I'm not, so I'm hoping he boosts me up to his level.

23/6 Moved, I'm Now On Huffington Post

2009-02-09T07:08:00.000-08:00

Hey, Left-Wing Liberals and Atheist Homosexuals (I'm serious - I do best in front of those crowds, and I myself am three fourths of those descriptors, potentially all four if Derek Jeter stays in the league) I'm now an official blogger for the Huffington Post.

I was a blogger for their comedy off-shoot 23/6, but that's been collapsed back under the HuffPo umbrella.

My first bit, This Week's Five Things That Are Already Old might be a new regular bit I do on Fridays.

Strength and honor.

Best Of The Worst: Rejected Weekend Update Jokes

2009-02-04T07:26:00.000-08:00

I submit jokes to Weekend Update every week. Almost every week I'm rejected, except for my stomach, which is charismatic and entertaining enough to make it in photos on a regular basis.

Here are my best worst (and worst of the best) rejected jokes from the past few weeks:

This week a new Star Wars toy is being released called "The Force Trainer," which comes with a headset that uses brain waves to allow players to manipulate a sphere within a clear tower as if they were using the Force. "I need to buy that," said you in your head.

According to a new federal report, Mississippi now has the nation's highest teen pregnancy rate, which is more than 60 percent higher than the national average. So it turns out the Bible Belt isn't very good at holding up pants.

For the third time, Gu Gu, a panda at the Beijing Zoo, has attacked a visitor who climbed into its space. Or, in Gu Gu's world, for the second time humans have not learned their lesson.

When Barack Obama is sworn in as President, he will be driven around in a new Cadillac that is nicknamed "Beast," because it features 5-inch thick armor plating, tires that can roll even when flat, bulletproof windows, and because the name "Beast" sounds really cool.

Police in Chicago have arrested a 14 year-old boy for impersonating a police officer after he dressed in a regulation uniform and reported for duty at a Chicago police station. They realized he wasn't a real police officer when he didn't kill anybody.

A woman in California this week gave birth to eight babies. I think we have a photo from the birth [KEY: Clowns spilling out of a clown car].

A 13 year-old girl in Australia fought off a 16-foot great white shark before escaping with a massive wound to her leg and a big chunk bitten off her surfboard. So yeah, Australia has got to be the worst place in the world to get your first period.

According to a new study about 1 in 200 children in America are vegetarians. "That must be so lonely," said gay kids.

[KEY: Still of Mantalban from Star Treak II] Actor Ricardo Montalban died this week at the age of 88. The cause? KAAAAAAAAHHN-cer.

A council in East Sussex, England has banned any street names that remotely sound rude. Which must be welcome news to residents living on My Ass Is A Two Way Street [KEY: Mock up sign].

Stand-Up Comedy RPG

2009-02-03T08:47:00.001-08:00

Mike Drucker
Level 5 Stand-Up Comedian

Stand-Up Show Win!

150 XP from Entertaining The Bartender
2,000 XP from next level

Most Effective Joke: Asking Out Girl In High School - for 300 damage
Least Effective Joke: Family On Facebook, Second Tag - for 10 damage

Items received: Two drink tickets, visiting comedian's business card
Items spent: Two drink tickets.

Abilities learned: "I wish I were a comedian in the 1980s" joke.

Learn Something: DNA

2009-01-30T15:27:00.000-08:00

This video takes my breath away in its tiny scope, yet massive grandeur. Science is fucking awesome.

(via io9)

Updates, Trying To Figure Things Out

2009-01-30T14:35:00.000-08:00

I've got a ton of things happening at once, so I've been incredibly shitty updating.

Some news:

I wrote the bottom - tiny - headline on this Onion mag cover.

I wrote this article The Five Worst Video Games Based On Books.

And I'll be performing at American University in Washington D.C. in April, which is neat!

My Week Off

2009-01-26T11:48:00.000-08:00

I'm back at work, but I performed on a bunch of really fun shows this past week thanks to kings of comedy Doogie Horner, Dan St. Germain, and the Living Room crew.

Here's a summary of the Living Room show, in which my eyes aren't open.

Doogie Horner created the Universal Comedy Flow Chart, which is as true as it is terrifying.

And Dan St. Germain was a good friend, getting me onto a charity theater show in which I did about 25 rambling minutes of hilarity mixed with "awww, that's so sad" stories.

More updates later as I clear out the contents of my digital camera.

5 Things Keeping Me Alive

2009-01-23T07:38:00.000-08:00

It's been a good week, guys. On a scale of one to ten, I can't even describe the lengths to which this week has been good for me. Maybe an eight.

This promotional / teaser / nerd-out video for Watchmen indicates they've got the right tone of a superhero period piece. Better Blue Than Red, man.

This is my new wallpaper because it's scary and cute and interesting.

This game is both an incredible concept and neat and fun, even if the narrator's voice could use some work.

I saw this fucking thing right before every cartoon on Saturday morning because, in Florida, people kill manatees with boats.

You are that fifth thing.

Outside Work: Top Ten Douchebag Game Characters

2009-01-13T12:54:00.001-08:00

I wrote this list about Douchebag Video Game Characters for The Minus World.

If you enjoyed it, I'd like that.

40 Years Since First Picture Of Earth From Not Earth

2009-01-10T21:08:00.000-08:00

Has it really been forty years since we first started creating awesome posters for me to put on my walls?

Science is probably fourth on my list of favorite things. Comedy's somewhere above it, as are video games. And I want to say Susan Sarandon? Maybe.

Earth is so small on there, and it's fun to think that, after all the wars and armed conflicts, the planet looks no different. Even with global warming, the Earth is going to shrug off humanity long before we shrug off the Earth.

Naturally, I don't mean to discount the terrible shit we've done. That won't help. But I feel this apocalyptic sense of self-esteem-boosting fear of ourselves is largely nonsense. Even if we nuke the planet, bacteria will survive and, with enough time, something else will come along.

For some reason, this train of thought reminds me of There Will Come Soft Rains.

Comedy Incorporated #5: Everybody's Working For The Weekend

2009-01-09T10:15:00.000-08:00

Comedy Incorporated #4: More Downs Than Ups

2009-01-08T08:45:00.001-08:00

New Onion Joke

2009-01-07T17:12:00.000-08:00

I won't call this a "story" because it's just a joke with a picture.

But it's 100% mine.

Here.

I totally missed this week's submissions deadline, so I'm feeling a lot better about myself right now.

Comedy Incorporated #3: Nothing Changed

2009-01-06T22:02:00.001-08:00

Comedy Incorporated #2 Television Humor

2009-01-06T11:26:00.000-08:00

Comedy Incorporated! #1

2009-01-05T10:25:00.000-08:00

Buttons I Shouldn't Have Pressed

2009-01-05T07:45:00.000-08:00

My Uncle’s Drinking Problem

Resurrect Hitler Button

I'm Naming My Children After Names In My Spam Folder

2009-01-04T23:34:00.000-08:00

Bowling O'Hallahan

Celeste Salty

Original Sack

Tag St. Wallclimber

Tammi Hurtgood

Michael Drucker

When It Comes To Disney Films, I'm A Joke Writing Genius

2009-01-03T23:12:00.000-08:00

A conversation that actually occurred while watching Beauty and The Beast with my lady companion.

Vicky: If Mrs. Potts is Chip's mother, what do you suppose happened to Chip's father?
Me: Oh, man. Didn't you hear? The dish ran away with the spoon. BOOM! Where's my joke book?
Vicky: I don't know.

Fifty First Jokes: Something That Went Extremely Well

2009-01-03T21:49:00.000-08:00

Jiwon Lee and Claudia Cogan's "Fifty First Jokes" at Webster Hall was unbelievably fun. They ran a tight ship with tight, attractive comedians on board manning the mast and stern and starboard and other stuff I read about in Billy Budd.

The line-up was intimidating, as you can see if you squint really hard:

While I'm sure everyone's going to try to figure out who dominated and who didn't, the truth of the matter is that most people simply had great sets. Big hitters like Kumail and Pete Holmes did great, but so did folks like Mike Lawrence and Danny Solomon.

My joke was one of the shortest of the night - something I'm relatively proud of. I'd actually planned to do a longer new joke, but saw something funny on the subway (I know, I know; I also saw this wacky bumper sticker and women are pretty different from black people...) which involved a lady confusing Nickelback with Nirvana. With a New York City hipster crowd, it felt silly not to talk about something I knew would work. And it did.

Anyway.

The best part of the show was the crowd. This wasn't an "Oh, they're nice" crowd. This was a group of motherfuckers who were ready to have a blast. They were listening, really hanging on your every word. If a joke didn't get a laugh, it was 100% on the comic.

In fact, there were too many people who wanted to see the show. Webster Hall was turning folks away at the door because they were at legal capacity.

While I was on sitting on stage, I took a photo of the massive, very awesome crowd:

I think forgetting to turn on Red Eye Control actually made this photo far more entertaining.

Thanks really go to Jiwon and Claudia and John F. O'Donnell (absent, but remembered) for putting on a show that made you remember why you do comedy: because it's fun.

Childhood Myths Revisited #239

2009-01-02T14:48:00.000-08:00

Father: Oh No!
Mother: What is it? Oh My God! Blood's everywhere!
Father: Our son must've said "Bloody Mary" three times.
Mother: We don't know that for sure...
Father: I warned you about owning that fucking bathroom mirror. I said we didn't need it. But no - you wanted to look at yourself and put on lipstick.
Mother: I wanted to be beautiful for you...
Father: Don't you put this on me! Your vanity invited that witch into our home!

John Steinbeck Calls A Friend To See If He Finished Reading "The Grapes Of Wrath"

2008-12-30T20:51:00.000-08:00

Hey, man, how are you? Uh-huh; that's great. Listen, did you finish reading my new book? Yeah, yeah, "The Grapes Of Wrath." Did you finish it?

What did you think of the ending? No, I really do want to hear what you think.

What - what does it mean? It's right there. It's a man sucking on a woman's boobs. I think that's pretty clear. Do you need more? I thought I was a good writer. Maybe I'm wrong. Let me ask what my Pulitzer thinks. It can't talk, but it has my name on it.

I thought you understood, man. John gets lonely. John needs a little excitement. You know what it's like to be with this woman Carol, my wife? It's terrible. I'm trying to tell people, "I need this. That shop closed up long ago. If I want to buy my medicine, it's going to be in the books or not at all." If there's any metaphor here, it's the dustbowl.

So forgive me if I tried to make a good American novel great. Most people would've put the pen down after pleasing the critics. I only put the pen down after pleasing myself.

You're not the first, though. I read some review that said the ending represented my "belief in the power of sacrifice for the greater good of mankind." What? Like, "Okay, yeah. Ya' got me. I just wrote a five-hundred-page book so I could hide the moral in a titty-sucking scene on the last page. Guilty!"

Come on. You can't kid a kidder. Unless there was a misprint, that scene reads as just one thing, and that's man on woman action.

But here's the good news: paid by the word. Viking Press gets their sob story about poor people; readers get the hottest scene of the decade; and I get cash money.

I mean, America! I love this country!

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Tales From The Crypt"

2008-12-22T07:56:00.000-08:00

Fast fact: And All Through The House was directed by Robert Zemeckis. Rock it!

Unlike Christmas horror films like Black Christmas, And All Through The House features a woman who has been naughty. She murdered her husband so she could be with her lover. An honest Santa Claus would punish that sort of behavior. And he does. Holy shit he does.

The presence of the woman's daughter only makes things creepier. Is the woman deserving death because she robbed and murdered her husband? Or does she deserve to live because she protects her daughter? What will come of her daughter at the end?

It's a complicated story hidden in an awesome slasher film wrapped in a Christmas special.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - “The Dick Van Dyke Show”

2008-12-22T07:51:00.000-08:00

Did I already cover this one? I honestly can't remember and I'm too tired to look.

This is actually the earliest example of the “Let's Put On A Christmas Special!” storyline I can find. I'm sure there's some earlier one where, like, Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin tumble down a hill into a movie lot shooting a Christmas movie. And your great-grandparents would laugh and laugh because they hadn't really invented funny things yet, so tumbling was the best thing you had.

Even though it's an early example, the format was already well-established. The special-in-a-special is comically awkward, with the actors and writers of the show blowing their lines and constantly threatening to ruin Christmas for everyone watching at home.

I think I enjoy these specials because they indicate media's self-obsessiveness. Specials like Dick Van Dyke desperately need to wink at the camera so viewers know that Hollywood knows that Christmas specials can be awkward.

Here's the whole thing below:

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - “Charlie Brown Christmas"

2008-12-22T07:50:00.000-08:00

The Charlie Brown Christmas Special is familiar to you. Why recap it? Even if you haven't watched it beginning to end, you've certainly absorbed enough elements from it to construct a pretty good image of it in your head. Charlie's wimpy tree. Linus' religious speech. Snoopy's Christmas decorating competition. You're familiar.

But you're familiar because it works. It works because it hits on the religious and the secular and the ornamental and the personal and the performative. The briefer-than-you-remember special works because it's real. The children may be too precocious – evidenced by the sound of numerous takes by real children spliced together to create the dialog – but they capture the specific melting pot of ideas and traditions that create the amorphous blob of joyous weird that is Christmas.

Also, catchy jazz.

I'm Sorry!

2008-12-22T07:40:00.000-08:00

Last night I got home at 2:00 a.m. after my flight was delayed and the baggage claim broke.

So. I'm sorry my updates have been late.

Things will get better.

Oh God, I know they can get better for us!

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Yo Gabba Gabba"

2008-12-19T21:50:00.000-08:00

I recommend you buy this special in iTunes. It's two fucking dollars. What are you going to spend two dollars on? Beer? This is better than any beer you've ever had. It's a mind explosion of pure Christmas joy.

This clip isn't from the Christmas episode of Yo Gabba Gabba, but I think it makes a pretty good point.

Imagine that, but Christmas. Good. You've got it!

There's no plot to speak of, just unadulterated joyful chiptune club music playfulness. The "Thank You, You're Welcome Too" song will stay in your head, raise a family, and die in your head. What does that even mean?

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "A&E Biography Of Santa Claus"

2008-12-18T23:31:00.000-08:00

Your enjoyment of this special depends on how much Tim Allen you can stomach. If it's "a lot," then you should be happy. If it's "not at all," then you should be happy with the first five minutes.

For a figure whose history is so long, the A&E Biography Of Santa Claus is a bit heavy on the modern age. The coverage of Saint Nicholas could be a lot more thorough than it is, almost breezing over the fact he existed and moving onto Coke Cans and Thomas Nast.

While the modern age is definitely important on how we see Santa, I would've liked a much longer special that analyzed the proto-Santas of the Norse Gods worshipped during the Winter and moved into the thin, tanned Saint Nicholas and then finally into the amalgamation of the two.

Also, what the fuck with all the Tim Allen? Yeah, he played Santa Claus in a movie thrice - that doesn't make him an expert on Santa Claus. And even if it did, there have to be less annoying people. Right? I mean, even the Greek Orthodox guy who hates on Santa Claus during the first half is funnier than Tim Allen.

Street Fighter II Post-Fight Conversations

2008-12-18T12:19:00.000-08:00

Ryu Wins

Ryu: You did quite well, but you need more training to defeat me!

Balrog: You got two perfects on me, so you’re probably right. Any tips?

Ryu: Well, I’d say if there was anything I’d work on for a guy your size and weight, I might try to be faster. Some more stretching and jogging just to loosen the legs up a bit.

Balrog: Oh, that’s good advice. See, I need to hear stuff like this.

***

Dhalsim Wins

Dhalsim: Now you realize the inner mysteries of yoga!

Ken: Yeah, wow. I don’t even know how your arms stretch out like that. Crazy!

Dhalsim: Thanks, yeah, it took a lot of practice.

Ken: I always thought yoga was, like, a low-impact exercise.

Dhalsim: It is, but I mean, there are different types of –

Ken: Obviously, yeah.

Dhalsim: Different yoga, yeah. I mean, it is more for meditation and I’m really a pacifist.

Ken: Yeah, well, you just passed a fist eight feet into my face!

Dhalsim: Hah! Buddy, you’re alright. Let me buy you a drink.

Ken: I thought Muslims couldn’t have alcohol.

Dhalsim: I’m not Muslim.

Ken: (Deep intake of breath) Oh now this is awkward.

***

Vega Wins

Vega: Handsome fighters never lose battles.

Blanka: Man, fuck you.

***
Zangief Wins

Zangief: Next time we meet I'm gonna break your arms!

E. Honda: Yikes! Point taken! No rematch for me!

Zangief: A body like this could only be made in Soviet Russia!

E. Honda: No argument here.

Zangief: Feel this arm! That is the strength of communism!

E. Honda: I don’t – I don’t know what you’re getting at.

Zangief: (Whispering) Please help me escape. I have a daughter. Take us to freedom and she’s yours. She’s very beautiful.

E. Honda: Whoa! I can’t just take your daughter!

Zangief: Of course not! Because she was born to bear strong Soviet boys! (Whispering) Do you want us both to die? Then why do you speak so the officials can hear? My daughter can do things that will drive you crazy.

E. Honda: How do you know something like that?

***

Guile Wins

Guile: Go home and be a family man.

Chun Li: I actually can’t.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "A Colbert Christmas"

2008-12-17T22:30:00.000-08:00

A Colbert Christmas sort of falls into the tradition of Pee-Wee's Playhouse Christmas in its sheer looniness. Although it's making fun of Christmas specials, it actually captures the manic spirit of Christmas through pointless celebrity appearances and wacky songs.

On the downside, the special starts extremely slow. The opening bit about Stephen missing the taping of his Christmas special in New York and song about generic Christmas songs are both kind of lame, even in their ironic context.

But once we get Elvis Costello dressed as a wooden soldier and Toby Keith singing the world's most militant Christmas song, the fun really begins.

While the songs are cute, the accompanying videos are what make them actually funny. Seeing Willie Nelson sing his song against a half-assed CG background is a great play on cynically shoved-out-the-door Christmas covers. And Jon Stewart's Hanukkah duet with Colbert makes fun of desperate attempts to diversify the holiday special.

Is the special going to go down as a classic? Not really.

Like most Christmas novelty specials/songs/masks, it pretty much stands in the moment, and barely at that. Jon Stewart lives "half an hour before" Colbert. Get it? Willie Nelson likes weed. Get it?

But, as a temporary sort of thing, A Colbert Christmas is fun. And that's sort of the point.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Silver Spoons"

2008-12-16T23:23:00.000-08:00

Oh Jesus this special is delightfully cheesy. It's even called "The Best Christmas Ever." From the very first moment, "I'm looking forward to spending my first Christmas with father" to the spending Christmas with poor ugly people, "The Best Christmas Ever" is the archetype of the Christmas special. If it were made now, it would be a Christmas special making fun of Christmas specials.

Of course, there's nothing condescending about really, really rich people getting joy from spending Christmas with poor people who are totally gross. I mean, what are poor people there for but for rich people to learn things from?

Nominated For Time Out New York Joke Of The Year

2008-12-15T23:30:00.000-08:00

Hey guys! I've been nominated for Time Out New York's Joke Of The Year, and if you'd vote for me, it'd be very, very appreciated.

I'm up against some stiff competition (Todd Barry, Louis C.K., Matt Ruby, Joe Mande, etc.), but with your help, I could potentially win. Which would be massive. More than massive. Extra massive with mayo.

Please help.

Click the link and then follow the instructions to vote.

The Onion: My Contribution To The Year In Review

2008-12-15T15:30:00.001-08:00

I, unfortunately, only had a small role to play in The Onion's Year In Review Article.

There might be more soon, but so far it's just the October 3rd bit on their timeline:

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "South Park" 3

2008-12-15T15:16:00.000-08:00

This particular South Park Christmas special is a bit odd in that it also retells the creation of Matt Stone and Trey Parker's original short, The Spirit Of Christmas. In fact, it's both a retelling of the special's creation as well as a reaffirmation of the message that there is no "real" meaning of Christmas.

Although people always claim to want a Christmas without the shopping and gift-giving, the reality of it does make Christmas boring and depressing. The gift-less Christmas in the city of South Park not only ruins the economy, but seems to put everyone in a bland, vanilla mood.

The special seems to say that all that complaining about buying gifts comes more from a selfish desire for simplicity than any actual need to "go back to basics." Of course, they don't give the shoppers, buyers, and gifts a free ride, either. But when weighed against each other, the two evils are relatively equal. So why not enjoy the more fun one?

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "The Office"

2008-12-14T23:13:00.000-08:00

"Really, Andy? It's Christmas and you're singing about nudity and France."

The Office is a great show already. But its play on Christmas in the recent episode is wholly unique. First of all, you have Phyllis' "Moroccan Christmas," in which any mention of Christianity is totally "off theme."

And then you have Dwight's attempt at buying out the hottest toy to make a profit - an awesome twist on the usual "I can't find the toy" stories.

This is a deep and mean - but not cynical - Christmas special that is easily worth your time. While some of the jokes require a much better knowledge of the show, the entire arc of the storyline, and the characters' selfishness in their observation of Christmas, creates one of the more subtle and realistic portrayals of how people act during the holidays.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Saturday Night Live"

2008-12-13T08:01:00.000-08:00

While Saturday Night Live has never done a Christmas special, per se - excluding compilation episodes and DVD releases - but it does have a lot of good Christmas sketches. Since I'm there right now, and because I can't say anything negative without being terrified for my job, here are some great Christmas SNL sketches.

Let's start with a cold open:

Followed by a fun Christmas monologue:

Something old:

Something sweaty:

And a catchy Christmas song:

Followed by a sketch that really encapsulates the feeling of Christmas morning excitement:

And then a bunch of a-holes trying to buy a Christmas tree:

To Bear City:

To an old movie parody:

Merry Christmas!

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "30 Rock"

2008-12-12T13:11:00.000-08:00

This aired yesterday! It's also filled with "ho ho hos"! See? Whenever I try to just be straight-forward Mid-Western Mom funny I knock it out of the park. A very child-safe plastic play park where my kids have play dates with my neighbors while I flirt with the stay at home Dad who isn't cute, but the only male presence in my life since my husband is constantly working and won't let me kiss him so I assume he's cheating but it might be my weight gain. FUCK.

I'm going to go see Twilight again and pretend I'm not masturbating throughout it.

30 Rock has always been good at playing through old sitcom tropes and reforming them into something new. Here, of course, we have the old "let's put on a Christmas special" story. This time, it's so Jack can avoid spending Christmas with his hell of a mother.

While that story is pretty good, the B-story about Liz buying gifts for a family in need is the funniest part of the episode. Both Liz's desperation to spend Christmas with someone and her reaction to not being thanked really says something about our need to get something out of giving. It's not good enough just to give - we need to be praised and loved for it - that's why it's better than getting.

You selfish bastard.

My New Onion Article Is New

2008-12-11T16:45:00.000-08:00

McCain Stares At Screen, Attempts To Write Family Christmas Letter.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer"

2008-12-11T10:00:00.001-08:00

It's Christmas Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve, guys. And, in celebration, let's hit up one of the bestest, mostest memorable specials that weren't train-wrecks.

Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Ah, Rankin & Bass. Their powdery snow and spherical bodies define Christmas the same way Coca-Cola and Thomas Nast define Santa Claus. Their stop-motion imagining of the holiday exists well outside of time. Although the quality of the footage reveals the special's age, the songs and themes are really, actually timeless.

You still listen to Burl Ives at Christmastime. You do. You.

Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer introduced the world's first modern hipster, Yukon Cornelius.

Without pandering to children - there's some depressing material in here, ala The Land Of Misfit Metaphors For Unwanted Children - the special works for all ages. And by existing in a sort of parallel world where the knowledge of Santa's existence is never in question, Rankin & Bass were able to create a story without any of the regular "Christmas is a sham!" conflicts found in 99% of Christmas specials.

Good times.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Futurama"

2008-12-10T11:39:00.000-08:00

Copyright laws are a bitch!

If you can ignore the giant watermark eclipsing any sign of comedy, there's a lot to enjoy in that short clip from a 22-minute episode of Futurama. Namely, jokes and whatnot. Especially Bender's "He can't hurt us if we don't believe in him!

While the episode features your usual Santa, But Now He's Also Evil trope, the storyline itself is pretty touching. Although Leela's loneliness is played to death, and probably one of the few annoying aspects to Futurama - "I can't get a date, I'm lonely." "I'll date you." "No." Hahahahahahahahaha! Hooo! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! - Fry's storyline actually makes complete sense.

Everyone and everything he knows is dead. Adjusting to a new X-Mas means being able to let go of things he once treasured but now mean nothing. We've all experienced that growing up. When you can buy yourself all the gifts you want, you need to find another way to get excited about the season of getting.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Justice League"

2008-12-09T15:32:00.000-08:00

This one goes out to Mike Lawrence and Jon Clarke.

This Justice League episode focuses on all - but two - of the characters' Christmas celebrations. What's missing is almost as touching as what's in there. Wonder Woman still isn't comfortable enough with the outside world to spend the holidays doing anything. And Batman, well, as they say in the episode, he basically begs everyone to leave him alone. They are the two who don't belong and don't want to belong during a time of belonging.

Martian Manhunter, on the other hand, just doesn't understand Christmas. It's a curious and odd to him. But Superman's dedication to showing him the ins and outs of Christmas - and the last-scene payoff - is fantastic. He embraces Christmas in his own way. He doesn't burst through the door in a Santa hat passing out fucking gifts, but he does realize that he can draw an important parallel between human life and his own.

Meanwhile, the Flash finds a duck who farts. I mean, America! I love this country!

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "The Simpsons"

2008-12-08T14:00:00.000-08:00

The very first episode of The Simpsons was a Christmas special. And what a special it was. It was perhaps the first special to really focus on poor people trying to scrape together a Christmas. This wasn't yet the Simpsons who would - in both real life and their cartoon world - stumble into fame and riches. Rather, it was a family trying to cope with a lack of money during an expensive time of year.

Unfortunately, the full episode isn't available online. But you can find it in the first-season DVD set and in the various Simpson Christmas DVD releases.

The ending of the episode is sentimental in the Simpsons style, but keeps well with the story of the episode. It's not a happy ending, it's a content one. This special realizes Christmas as it really is for many families - a hard time, but a good time. While other specials portray Christmas as endlessly cheery or magical, and others portray it as a cynical bullshit holiday with no joy in sight, The Simpsons expertly mark it as both.

It's a two-sided coin. While later specials such as Marge Be Not Proud would cover familiar territory in the greed and dishonesty of the holiday, this first special captures the struggling of Christmas more than any other special before or since.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas 2 For 1 - "Robot Chicken" & "Family Guy"

2008-12-07T22:25:00.001-08:00

Sorry this is late – I’ve been sick all weekend. Sick with love for Christmas specials! Also with a really bad cold. AND CHRISTMAS SPECIALS!

Robot Chicken and Family Guy are basically the same show, but one has a frame work with established characters, one doesn’t. The rest are fast, often but not always funny sketches.

Both have Christmas episodes.

The Robot Chicken Christmas special hits plenty of topics, from Jesus:

To Dragon Ball Z:

And, as you can see, the quality ranges from really funny to obvious. As with almost any sketch show, you’re not going to get a 100% hit rate. There’s no overarching storyline to link the sketches together, making them feel sort of random and chaotic. Since the episode itself is relatively short – only 15 minutes – this is forgivable. And since most of the sketches are pretty funny, it’s easy to forgive lamer ones like the birth of Jesus sketch.

Family Guy, however, does have an overarching storyline, and it really helps. I wish I could get a video clip or two to show you, but Fox has a stranglehold on showing things to people who don’t own them. I’m sorry. I wish things were different.

The storyline about Peter trying to buy gifts the day before Christmas is itself a bit hackneyed, but it actually allows for a fair amount of interesting turns. Lois literally going crazy because she’s the only one who works on Christmas not only reminded me of my own mother, but actually hit a point about Christmas that other specials don’t – the burden of preparing the holiday.

The Family Guy Christmas episode is one of the better storylines the show has had. While most episodes are just vehicles for random sketches, the story force holiday sketches such as “Kiss Saves Santa” and “A Very Peter Griffin Christmas,” both of which are funny without seeming like Manatee Sketches, to steal a phrase from South Park.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "South Park" #2

2008-12-05T13:41:00.000-08:00

South Park's Season 2 Christmas Special, "Merry Christmas Charlie Mansion," compares pretty well with "Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo:" it has its moments ("Stan told me you were dead. I'm glad to hear you're better."), but it also has a lot of lame jokes (Uncle Stinky? C'mon. Really?) But it's the moral - a South Park specialty - that really sets it apart.

Kyle, Kenny, and Stan spend Christmas with Cartman's family in Nebraska. As with any time they're with Cartman, the boys are bored and annoyed. That is, until Cartman's uncle and Charlie Manson break out of prison and hide out with the kids.

As the kids have their Christmas ruined by the old "Santa" - in this case Mr. Hankey - isn't real trope, Charlie Manson re-experiences his years of lost Christmases through Christmas specials. The parallel between the two stories develops an interesting critique on the way we experience Christmas.

Is Charlie Manson's conversion realistic? Of course not. But then why do we expect people like Ebenezer Scrooge to change? Assholes tend to stay assholes. As much as we want Christmas to be a two-way street, it's not as easy as the media makes it seem - through material gifts and movies.

So, yes. It's good.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Fathers Knows Best"

2008-12-04T16:45:00.000-08:00

Awesome. This special is just awesome.

The setup is extremely obvious. Dad is upset that Christmas has become too commercial (in 1954), so he decides his family is going to participate in some good old-fashioned Christmas traditions, such as cutting down the tree oneself.

Unfortunately, their car breaks down and they get snowed into a cabin. Of course, in the cabin lives a kindly old bearded man named Nick. And he seems to know more about Christmas than anyone else. While most people would be a little creeped out by the old man, there's something oddly special about him, right?

Spoiler Alert!

Wrong. There's no Christmas twist. He's just a dude. As much as movies in the past fifty-four years have taught us to expect him to actually be Santa Claus, and as much as the family seems to suspect he's actually Santa Claus, he's not. He's a homeless guy who's squatting in the cabin. There's nothing wrong with him, per se, but he's a good man who wants to help a family in need while having nothing himself.

The end.

The special works so well because it stays human. The family does need Christmas magic to have a magical Christmas. Instead, it's a group of people making the best of a crappy situation and realize they just needed to be together for the holidays. If that isn't a sweet, secular way to view what's become a selfish quasi-spiritual holiday, I don't know what is.

The 10 Funniest Video Games That Are Actually Funny

2008-12-04T14:33:00.000-08:00

I wrote this list, The 10 Funniest Games That Are Actually Funny, for The Apiary.

I hope you're having a good day.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "The Rockefeller Christmas Tree Lighting"

2008-12-03T17:59:00.000-08:00

Sorry. No video today. But I'm trapped inside my building while people mill about the newly lit Christmas tree, hundreds of which watched NBC's live special with David Cook and Jimmy Fallon and Independence Day's Harry Connick, Jr. the Third.

Live specials are always hard to note because they're so locked into the moment. Popular singers, recent movie stars, jokes about television shows mix with timeless holiday carols to make something altogether beautiful and wholly cynical. Of course the musicians playing have new albums and the actors new television shows.

But they're also playing decent versions of fun songs. Plus, without any narrative, they're always good to have in the background. Good ambient atmosphere.

Did you guys know that right now my manboobs have made a crease in my shirt, highlighting them in the process? It's true!

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "The Year Without A Santa Claus"

2008-12-02T11:37:00.000-08:00

You know a Christmas special is good when all the YouTube comments are positive. I think the most negative thing someone says on the comments is that "Santa Claus works one day a year and called in sick? Must have joined a union!" Which, really, save it for your New Yorker cartoon.

This special is awesome. It includes a number of songs that have since become holiday stapes (Mr. Heatmiser, anyone?) and features that stop-motion animation which has defined the greatest Christmas specials. Everything about this special is memorable.

Especially Mickey Rooney.

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Tiny Toons Adventures"

2008-12-01T13:22:00.000-08:00

From the start, you know the Tiny Toons Adventures Christmas special is as harmless as it is cute. They reedited the opening to be Christmas-y! As with a lot of Christmas specials, this parodies It's A Wonderful Life. Maybe "parody" is too generous - it mimics It's A Wonderful Life. There aren't a lot of jokes on the classic movie, it's just a vehicle to move along a story about Buster Bunny considering quitting his Christmas special.

Okay, so it steals from It's A Wonderful Life, and Charlie Brown Christmas.

Some of the not-too-inside jokes are cute. For example, Buster Bunny's guardian angel sounds like Jimmy Stewart and Hollywood executives demand pop-culture cameos. Of course, half of these jokes rely on cultural references from the early '90s. You get them, but like any Paris Hilton or Monica Lewinsky joke now, feel altogether lame and outdated.

On the other hand, the sheer joy with which the jokes are delivered makes most of its flaws forgivable. They're genuinely trying here and, in Christmas specials, you can get an A for effort.

It's A Wonderful Tiny Toons Christmas Special 1-2
Uploaded by blue-peregrine

It's A Wonderful Tiny Toons Christmas Special 2-2
Uploaded by blue-peregrine

The 50 Specials Of Christmas - "Pee-Wee's Playhouse"

2008-11-30T12:35:00.000-08:00

Yikes. The Pee-Wee's Playhouse Christmas Special is... well it's gay. It's very gay. And I don't mean that in some derogatory, mean-spirited sense. I mean it in a Cher and the B-52s way. Because they're in it.

Is it good? Fuck yes, it's good. It's insane and campy and odd. It's as if the entire 1980s were trying to have a Christmas special and converged on one singular point. All we're missing is Ronald Reagan and New Coke. The rest of it feels like a nightmare I had after watching The Wedding Singer with a fever.